


I Knew This Would Happen!

by eafay70



Series: A Very Merry "Advent" Calendar [28]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 01:12:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9099877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eafay70/pseuds/eafay70
Summary: Marc-André tries to cook. It ends badly. Bernd is unsurprised and has prepared in advance.





	1. The Short Version of the Story

**Author's Note:**

> A quick thanks to my person-I-beta and new, true friend, WinterSnow10, for suggesting this pairing.
> 
> This is probably the shortest fic I've ever posted. I knew I would have to settle for a drabble today because I went with my family to see a show in the city, but I didn't realize how late we would be getting home. In other words, I'm too exhausted to write a lot or proofread. If you want a second chapter with more details, comment and I'll write it tomorrow.

Bernd came home, saw Marc-André in the kitchen, and groaned loudly. "I told you to wait for me!"

"I was hungry and I wanted to eat sooner!" The Barcelona keeper hung his head in shame. "They won't fry!"

Bernd walked over to the stove, where four lumps of potato waited to turn into latkes. (No, neither of them are Jewish. But who doesn't love potatoes?) "You know that the point of latkes is the oil, right? Miracle oil and all that?"

"I put oil in there! The first ones fried!" He pointed to a small stack of very chunky...somethings.

"I could spend all night telling you what you did wrong, but most importantly is that you didn't add more oil as you went along." The Leverkusen keeper sighed. "Set the table. I figured something would go wrong, so I got a cheese platter and jelly doughnuts."


	2. The Long Version of the Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More details on the culinary disaster previously described.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beloved kroos8 wanted more. So more is what I've written.

It all began when neither Marc-André nor Bernd wanted to watch anything involving sports on TV. So they settled on watching a children's show about Hanukkah. (It was on the next channel, and they were feeling lazy. Don't judge.)

"In the days of ancient Israel," said the very old narrator, "the Jews were torn apart in the face of invading Greeks and Syrians. Some wished to adapt to the strange new ways of the powerful rulers, while others wanted to maintain their traditions at all cost. Among those who maintained their traditions by attacking from the mountains were a brave band of brothers known as the Maccabis!"

"Like the football clubs!" noted Bernd.

"Another great hero was Judith, who seduced a foreign general into bringing her to his tent for the night, not to be disturbed."

"Isn't this a children's show?" asked Marc-André.

"She fed him cheese to make him thirsty, and she gave him wine to quench his thirst - and put him into a deep sleep. Then she chopped off his head and showed it to the Jewish generals, who defeated the headless troops the following day!"

Both keepers groaned at the terrible pun.

"By a miracle of G-d, our ancestors fought and were victorious, driving the mighty Greeks and Syrians from the land! But the Holy Temple had been profaned, with enough pure oil for only one day. It took eight days to prepare pure oil, and nobody knew what to do. But G-d performed another miracle, and the oil lasted for eight days! That is why we use oil for our _latkes_ and our _sufganiyot_ \- we fry potato pancakes in oil, and we fry jelly doughnuts in oil!"

"Now I'm hungry," said Marc-André. "I wonder if that stuff's any good?"

"Let's find out." Bernd Googled recipes on his phone, then checked for the ingredients in the kitchen. "The doughnuts are a no-go, but latkes are possible, I think."

"Awesome! Show me the recipe!"

"NO." Bernd scowled at his boyfriend. "YOU are doing nothing involving food preparation."

Marc-André would have pleaded his case, but Bernd's cell phone ringing cut them off. "Hello?...Which Julian is this?...Oh, good grief...I'll be right there." He hung up the phone with a sigh. "That was Brandt. Draxler's visiting him and panicking over turning into Benni over Erik...or something like that. I have to make sure nobody gets hurt." Walking towards the door, he added, "And WAIT FOR ME before doing anything involving food!"

"I promise!" Marc-André replied as the door closed behind Bernd.

A few hours ticked by, and the Barcelona keeper got hungry. "How hard can it be to make potato pancakes?" He Googled the recipe - it seemed doable.

Chop potatoes and onions.  
He chopped them into reasonably-sized pieces, not unlike French fries and...chopped onions.

Mix with other ingredients (excluding oil).  
The electric mixer made a mess, so he turned it off quickly.

Put oil in the pan.  
He did. It got really warm.

Spoon mixture into pan and flatten.  
He couldn't get them flat.

Flip when brown.  
How was he supposed to know when they were brown?!

Put on towel.  
He found a dishtowel and rested the first batch there.  
"Why aren't these frying?!"

Fortunately, Bernd came home before anything caught on fire. They decided to try latkes the following year; cheese and doughnuts would do for now, so long as Jogi didn't find out.

**Author's Note:**

> If anything doesn't make sense, comment and I'll clarify. I tend to overestimate how much other people know about Judaism, since I'm something of a Judaism nerd.


End file.
